Friday, December 30, 2005
I passed!!! I passed the test!!! Haha! So happy!!! My morning started out great. I'm so ecstatic that I passed with just one click of the comp. "Are you sure u want to end the test?" For a moment, I looked around and still saw people clicking...then I pressed "no" Again it popped up. "Are you sure you want to end the test?" Oh darn...YES!!! And there they were, those BIG words "PASSED" Wa, so happy! Ok fine, I know I was so kan cheong earlier. Sorry Phae, sorry mer, I can't help it. It's me lah. I still remember what you said Phae, "For goodness sake, if the lorry driver who doesn't even know English can pass this test, I'm sure that you can too also lor" Hee. Thanks for trying to calm my nerves yesterday. And Jac, though you "pang seh" me last minute,( I did want to murder you for doing that by the way), I pondered a while after that and thought that yeah, it would be pretty mad of you to prepare so early when you've got so many weeks ahead before you sit for your test =D
Double joy awaited me when I came out of the room to see a rose waiting for me. Silly. It's ok. I know I ought to understand. I remember Jimmy ever did telling me that no matter what happens, in any kind of relationship that one is in, be it parents, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives... to withstand any conflict and misunderstanding, one must have patience, tolerance and plenty of understanding. Sometimes it is so very easy to say something but yet when it comes to doing it, it becomes a different story altogether. Maybe that is why Jimmy was able to survive 2 years of nonsense from me =) [By the way, if you are reading this, I'm telling you that you're on no man's land. I've heard nothing from you for the past number of donkey weeks for your information!!!! =( ]
In the afternoon, I found myself at the adoration room with Alp. I just HAD to offer thanksgiving to my Father for seeing me through the last couple of days, especially the night before and for that morning for calming my nerves and bringing something so special into my heart. It surprised me when He kept telling me to trust in Him. I remembered that the night before, I was holding on so tightly to the rosary which said "Jesus, I trust in thee"...
I couldn't control my physical self, but I knew that I could resist. Geez...Imagine falling when there are so many people around. I didn't want to. It scared me to think that I might scare others. I thought that "Hey, if there isn't anyone around, it wouldn't be so bad, would it?" But strange enough, the room ALWAYS has someone there at any point of time. And there again, He told me to get on my knees. This time, I knew I really didn't bother if there were anyone in the room...
I placed the rose at the feet of Mother Mary. Had a lot running through my mind when I read the letter. I don't deserve the rose, it is with our Mother's intercession and His help that everything turned out so beautiful. Often, it is said that it takes Three to made one whole. (^-^)
Today's the Feast of the Holy Family. Thanks to fonz for telling me so. [Dear boy, don't worry all right? I know what to do =) ]
Phae, I'm so happy that we went out today. I miss you..I miss you..I miss you!!! I missed you so much. You're so silly. You're my best friend Phae, don't ever think that I don't need you ok? You gave me this verse before,
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity =Proverbs 17:17"
I love you and I thank our Father that He brought you to me. I'm so happy that you understand what I'm going through. You surprised me when you told me to place my trust in Him. *sigh* Supposedly coincidental but certainly not coincidental. Phae, thank you for your prayers and your faith in Him as well as in me.
-Yours truly ;
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Are promises really meant to be broken??? I'm feeling so sad now. I feel as if I'm been torn into two and shredded into pieces. It's been so long since I felt this way, ever since last year. I thought that this time would be different...but then again, maybe not...
I'm trying to understand. Sometimes it's just so hard, but I am trying to. I don't mind being persecuted even by people whom I do not even know. All the more I know I ought to rejoice because I can carry His cross. Lord, forgive me... help me =(
-Yours truly ;
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Just finished baking cookies with my piggy bro Kel. I just can't believe that he wants to learn how to bake lah. Haha... But, you know, this is one of the best batches of cookies that I've baked so far. The ones I gave to some for X'mas were one of my new creations. Had toffee sweet snuck in between the cookies. Apparently, nobody realised and ate 'em mindlessly *sigh* Ah well, it tasted not bad, didn't it? Boy do I hope they did!!! Hee. My bro's so cute and so sweet lah. He's waaay older than me but he acts like he's younger than me. Best of all is that both of us are of the same wavelength. And that funny guy's trying to learn how to cook all the dishes he likes now that he's having uni holz. I remembered that when I was watching The Passion of the Christ yesterday afternoon, he came up to me and made me try his newly created umm..mashed potatoes wrapped with steaming morazella cheese covered with home-made tomato puree. Wa..cool man. Really nice and fabulicious. But it was pretty odd...I was crying 'cuz I was watching the movie and at the same time, I was munching and praising my bro. Gee.
I'm so happy...I'm so so happy!!! Haha!! Today was great...seldom do things turn out so well and so nice. I just don't know how to describe how I'm feeling right now. I went for the driving e-trial test this morning. Turned out to be quite an emotionless affair. Just enter the classroom, sign onto the comp, press press press, click click click...pass...fail...pass...fail...pass pass pass *sigh* Quite scary by the way. I'm now more motivated to coop myself in my room tomorrow to mug for Friday's test. The REAL one this time round. Ahh!!!
After that, I went to meet monster to teach him maths for his coming tests. That nut could only sit still for a few hours before he started jumping up and down like siao 'cuz he gets distracted so easily. Yes my dear monster, I'm humiliating you in front of everybody..hee =P Too bad I can't divulge your name. You'd hear no end from the others if I do.
Got many many smses from Alph. Dear fonz, you flooded my inbox. But you know something? You made my day. Thanks for the song you composed for me though I've yet to hear it from you [I can't wait =) ] Praise the Lord for bringing you to me...
"Be still and know God. God will hide you, under his wings and cover you with His mighty hands. Rest your soul in Christ, know His power in quietness and trust."
"Happy are those who remain faithful under trials because when they succeed in passing such a test, they will receive as their reward the life which God has promised those who love Him." =James 1: 2-4, 12=
I will keep in mind those words of comfort that you have for me, dear friend (^-^)
Wonder how is it that everything can turn out so well. I was in the adoration room in the evening. I didn't know why I was crying. All I felt was happiness, the presence and warmth beside me...the presence of God above and Jesus in the eucharist...as well as the Holy Spirit welling up inside me. So sweet, so memorable...Safe is what you feel, happy it is that I am when I thank our Father for what He has given me.
-Yours truly ;
Monday, December 26, 2005
Know you people have been bugging me to blog. Sorry ppl. Sigh, it's 1 day after Christmas. Well, there are 12 days of Christmas, ain't there? If only everyday can be Christmas!! How wonderful that will be!!
These few days have been so hectic! Hardly do I have time to stop to breath when things keep coming down upon me. Ups and downs...ups and downs... sometimes, I just cannot take it anymore. Yesterday night was suppose to be joyous. Christmas IS a time to be joyous, isn't it? Well...the evening was fun. Went to church with fel for Christmas mass. It was so funny. You all ought to visit her blog at www.livejournal.com/~eat_muh_shorts Crazy girl!!! You wrote your entry at 3a.m and messaged me at that time only to ask me to read the blog dedicated to me?! Haha..you're nuts! T'was a great experience though. Ah well, there's always a first time in everything, especially a first time attending a supposedly cute Hebrew mass which turned out to be a chinese mass.. (^-^)
=Wrote this in the afternoon=
=Early in the morning past midnight=
Just feel so down now. For 2 days in a row, I've been quarrelling with my parents. Christmas was suppose to be joyous, but this year I didn't feel that way. I tried so hard to please. I didn't retort nor did I bite back at anything my mum said. I didn't even blame her for the endless blasphemies she spilled and for taking it out on my brothers when they tried to defend me. I feel so guilty that my bro, Kel had to bear the brunt of damage done. If I hadn't started out and fought with my mum, none of these would have happened. Neither would my second bro, ken be feeling so horrible when our mum discouraged him. I felt so terrible today. I held my tongue the whole day (I can't believe I listened to you dear monster...) but later at night, I really couldn't control myself and lashed out at her. I know I must have hurt her terribly.. =(
Thank u jac...thank u for calling me at the right time. I'm really so happy that I have you as my best friend. You understood how I felt and made me feel so much better. Aww man..*hugz* Thank u kelvin, thank you for talking to me and understanding as well as for being so irritatingly protective and defensive of everything my parents said and did.
Funny how things turn out. Only this morning, or rather more like last morning, I was reading Leviticus 19:18 "Do not take revenge on anyone or continue to hate him, but love your neighbor as you love yourself. I am the Lord. " Call this rhema faith. It spoke to me as if it was telling me to do something and to expect something later in the day. Sure enough, the incident with my parents as well as how I felt made me stop and think that no matter what happens, I still must forgive.
P.S. Silly monster, I'm ok. Even if I do not tell you, you know that I'm starting to feel worn out now, and I thank you for your endless prayers, patience, care and understanding, not to mention your naggings as well. I do believe that things will turn out fine... yeah? (^-^)
-Yours truly ;
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Finally!!! My comp is working...Thanks to both my brothers who helped me to set up the computer and were there to comfort me when things weren't going smoothly with our parents and me. I changed my blog address because I couldn't bear to fight with them any longer and get my darling brother into trouble with them because of me.
I've only 5 hours of sleep...but oh I can't wait to tell u guys what went on for the last few days! It's just so amazing how things suddenly happen the way they do. Last night, both monster and I met this strange man sitting at the coffee shop while we were walking home late at night. It was weird how we started talking to him and sat down for over an hour with him. I thought that monster knew the strange man. It was only after we got up and were walking on our own that both of us realised that neither of us knew that guy at all. When he opened his mouth to speak to us, we could tell that this was out of the ordinary. He was speaking...like God was speaking through him. It seemed so unreal...as if the encounter was all but a figment of my imgination. But it wasn't. Both of us knew it wasn't. He spoke what was within our hearts...he confirmed the answers we got for the questions we had when we prayed and asked of our Father...the thoughts and deeds that we had in our private life he also knew without us telling... the future, he prophesised..and most amazingly, everything he told us was accurate. And with every sentence he said came with bible verses he knew by heart which he told us to write down and meditate upon. He knew...he knew what was in us. I remembered being so startled when he told me about the vision of the star that I had. My goodness! I didn't even tell him and yet, he knew! Lord!!! Both monster and I couldn't sleep that night. We were so amazed with this encounter...so delirious that our Father is working wonders through people to answer and tell us that He is there. How often are you ever stopped in the middle of nowhere, only to meet someone who seems like a fortune-teller and knows every minute detail about you and gives you solutions to problems you thought was impossible to solve?! Our Father is so so amazing!!! Before we parted, the strange man kept telling us that the glory is not his. If we should ever need to thank someone, it is our Father in Heaven we should sing our praises to because all the glory belongs to him. Thank you Father!!!! Thank you so much...
I'm still shaken by this encounter. I know it is real. If it happened only to me, then I know that perhaps, I was hallucinating. But I wasn't because monster was with me. Both of us were talking and talking about it till the wee hours of the morning.. the more we talked, the happier we were when we reaffirmed and turned to each other to pour out everything we felt and dwell on the words that this strange guy said. Kenji, he said the same thing that Simon told you to warn me about. He warned me too. I know that the warning is real and that it will come sooner or later. No matter what happens, I know I will be strong because I will be sheltered. I believe Kenji... I do. That Wednesday Dec 14th incident on Psalms 91 assured me all the more of His infinite love.
It wrote, "God will put his angels in charge of you to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands to keep you from hurting your feet on the stones".
That Wednesday itself, was one of the many days when you know, you just know that He is trying to tell you something. That morning, I was reading daily bread and found the inspiration to meditate and ponder over Psalms 91. (Yes, of all the books and chapters, I chose Psalms 91 for no apparent reason.) For the first time, I opened the bible and really analysed a part of the bible with a pen and notebook. Then in the evening, many things happened under the roof that made me so upset and sad. When I was online after that, Kenji had told me that the army of angels is there to protect me. It surprised me that he said this because the verse in Psalms 91 on God's angels had a lasting impression on me. I remembered dismissing it as a mere coincidence. Then, the subsequent incidents that happened made me stop to think twice. That of Kelvin's feelings about what I was going through without me telling him anything..and after that, the incident about the music that Clement sent to me in the morning. I didn't even know that the song was on Psalms 91 till that evening when I was online and told him what I was going through in my family. It was then that he said, "Elaine, remember the song I sent you in the morning?" I listened to it for the 3rd time, and my goodness! It was Psalms 91. Oh my goodness..there are over a hundred chapters in Psalms but the song HAD to be from Psalms 91!!! Then it struck me hard, things don't happen by accident..not when there are 4 coincidental incidents in a day. That was too much for me. I knew then, that things happen the way they do only because my Lord allows it to happen.
I can't believe it..my adventure with Him has only just begun and things are starting to fall into place. Oh Lord...oh monster..I'm so so happy..
-Yours truly ;
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
It's amazing how time flies. Two years ago, I had a blog...deleted it when I found myself so consumed in the everyday happenings that I hardly had time for myself.
I just came back from the camp (Youth in Spirit Seminar). It was the best camp I ever had in my entire life. Not only did friendships blossom during these 4 days, I also experienced God's love in ways beyond description. I never thought that I would feel His touch in me..much less see Him in the visions I had. I knew I always had him in me...in my heart, but I couldn't feel his love for me. All these 2 years, the heartache I went through, the sorrows I felt and endless disappointments, threw me into a tunnel of despair of whirling darkness. I prayed hard..I cried out loud, but I didn't feel anything. I felt so empty. There was no Jesus to respond to my cries..no Holy Spirit to stir up my thoughts and tell me what to do. I wanted something more...I wanted Him so badly. I waited and waited...
Came Friday. During the camp, I was having quiet time, I chanced upon this verse
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him."
I was writing to Him in a letter. I always write to my Father. It seems pretty silly when I write all my thoughts and feelings in smses and letters. I always wished that I had Heaven's telephone number so that our Father can pick up my call or receive my sms. But yet, I know, He still hears me. I remember pondering over the verse again and again that day, my heart crying out loud to Him, " Father..you asked me to wait, here I am, waiting for you. My Father! Can you see that I am waiting for you?" As I wrote, I cried..the tears just wouldn't stop.
Then, when we had Healing Mass in the evening, I knew that on that very day, He touched me with the Holy Spirit. I felt so free. He had released me of all the burdens I had been carrying for many years...All those hurt and pain, I felt them all gone. The peace within me welled up like a fountain bubbling within my soul. I felt so free! So free!!!!
The best is yet to come...for the gentleman that He is, He didn't fill my soul till the next day during the outpouring of the Holy Spirit. That day was the best day of my life. I never felt joy like how I felt that day. The joy that overflowed my soul can never be expressed with words... My Father in Heaven filled me and baptised me with the Holy Spirit. He gave me gifts like how a Father gives a child a gift so willingly and so lovingly. And when I was prayed over, I was slain by the Holy Spirit. I fell back onto the floor. I knew then that I was resting in Him. Praise the Lord...Alleluia! Oh, I love Him so much...
After the session, I gave a testimony. I didn't think that I would have the courage to do so. It scared me. Even though there were 100+ people, it felt to me like there were 1000 people in my midst. Thanks to the encouragement of my lovely facils, Nat and Del, and wonderful groupmates, I stood up and spoke. It surprised me when I didn't have cold feet and jelly legs, my heart itself wasn't pounding like it normally does. Instead, I was so calm. I knew then that this wasn't me. When I spoke, it wasn't me speaking. It was Him speaking through me. For when I finished the testimony, many came up to me, even those whose names I don't know, hugged me to tell me how I touched and inspired them with my testimony. To those out there who were one of those people and are reading this entry of mine, it wasn't me who touched u. It was Him who touched the soul within you. The glory is His to claim. Not mine =)
I'm so happy!I'm so happy that many were touched by the Holy Spirit. Miracles happen. I believe with all my heart and soul that they do. It was a miracle itself that I sang with the Gift even though everybody, especially my group members knew that I couldn't sing for nuts. I couldn't even sing the morning prayer I wanted to teach you guys cuz my throat was really terrible. It still is though..my voice is still lost. Haha =)
Jac, Mer...I wished so badly that u two were there with me. Wish that my experience would also become yours. Nevertheless, I want to tell you two that I love you two so much and I will always keep both of you in my prayers. And Phae, thank you so much for encouraging me...your endless prayers, strong belief and faith in Him helped me tremendously. I love you girl!!! Alphonsus, u brought me to this camp. I know that Our Father in Heaven worked through you to bring me to Him...thank you! You my friend, may not have realised this. It was you who brought me closer to Him...and during this camp, you, my friend, have been lifted of your burdens by Yahweh. Alleluia! To Nat and Del, thank you for your inspiration for without your constant care and guidance, I would have been so afraid and remained clamed up. My group mates, Mitchell, Maria, Petrina, Clement, Kenji, Marcus, Shaun, Joshua, thank you for sharing...thank you for your strong faith and support! Continue to live in faith!!! To my dorm mates, Mitchell, Serene, Jeanette, Joan, Shelly and Rachel, you all were light when it was dark. Literally. Haha =) I know I'm the ah mah (Serene's the great grandma) but nevertheless, I have to tell you all that I enjoyed your company so very much . I miss you all!!!
And last but not least, Kelvin, thank you for sharing...thank you for giving me the chance to be a wall for once in my entire life for 3hours 54 minutes and 59 seconds. I'll never forget the time I tell you! Haha... I know that you were touched by the Grace of God..Praise Him for doing so! My heart goes out to you...and even though I was acting dumb cuz I really couldn't talk, I felt what you felt. Your joy brings smiles, not only to me, but also to Him up there (^-^)
-Yours truly ;
